Monday, March 30, 2009

If eating this sub takes longer than four hours, consult a physician

I saw a version of this ad on TV and thought it was dumb, but not horrible. However, I didn't see the version linked by an anonymous commenter on our last post. Dear God.



What is the thinking behind an ad like this? I mean, I guess if you read the YouTube comments there are a lot of people who think it's hilarious, but what awful commercial isn't that true of?

Oven: "Scott, I want you to do something."
Scott: "Not doing that again. That burned."
Oven: "We both enjoyed that."


Hey, how can we shoot this so that it has absolutely no alternate explanation whatsoever? What if Scott were to look down at his crotch as he delivers his line? That should do it.

Oven: "Now I want you to introduce my greatest creation, the new Toasty Torpedo."
Scott: "The new Toasty Torpedo?"


Dude. You are holding one in your hand! You are in the process of eating it! How do you not know what it is? On the other hand, this guy stuck his wang into a 400-degree oven. He's probably not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Oven: "Yes, Scott. You make one."
Scott: "Me?"


Yeah, pretty stupid. There's no one else around, idiot. And thank God for you there isn't, or you'd probably get fired for ejaculating into a machine used for food preparation.

Oven: "Put it in me, Scott."

Can they even air this? Jesus. This makes that Arby's hat-boner ad look like it was made in 1890s Vienna. Why would you make an ad like this? Most of the people who think it's soooo hilarious probably would have tried the sub anyway; meanwhile, I can tell you that I was tempted to try it... until I saw this ad. Now you can fucking forget it. Because if I'm going out for a sandwich, I don't have any desire to think of my lunch as a surrogate penis. For that matter, I don't want to think of the oven that's heating my lunch as a sentient being that derives sexual pleasure from sandwiches going through it.

Oven: "It's over a foot of Quizno's flavor on slim, sleek ciabatta for only four dollars. Say it, Scott."
Scott: "Only four dollars?"
Oven: "Say it sexy."


God, enough. Real subtle hand pushing the sandwich into the wrapper, also. I'm going to ask again: why do you want me to associate your sandwich with a penis? Is this really going to be good for business?

The version that I saw aired is also the version that you find if you go to the website to "take the test" as the ad dictates. In it, Scott says "I'm not rubbing you with that shammy again," and doesn't look down at his own mangled junk. That's fine. And the oven says "I'm waiting for it" instead, which is still kind of gross but more excusable in context. Even the "say it sexy" line (changed to "say it with passion") might have been forgivable if they'd just done it that way. But no, they had to "get people talking," so they did a whole version in which the sandwich they want you to eat is the product of a filthy, secret relationship between the oven and this dude. No thanks.

15 comments:

Quivering P. Landmass said...

Adding to the improbability here is that not only do we have a oven-human sexual relationship, but a homosexual oven-human sexual relationship. Aren't we supposed to be some close-minded puritan country? How many new Quizno's consumers are they hoping for?

Joe said...

Not related to this ad... BUT...

I saw an ad the other day for G2, and it had pitch lines like "I've never had to tell my wife we can't make the mortgage payment," and "I've never been laid off" (something like those). Have you seen this ad? Although I'm fortunate enough to still be employed these days, I've NEVER been so put off by an ad. It was almost like athletes rubbing it in our faces that they're rich and don't worry about the economy.

Joe said...

Here's the G2 ad I'm talking about:

http://www.bobbyrettew.com/video/video-blog/191-new-kevin-garnett-gatorade-g2-ad.html

I don't get how being laid off through no fault of your own (which is usually the case with pink slips) makes you less of a person, as this ad would imply.

Anonymous said...

Yeah this ad was completely disgusting. Did anyone else think they were going for a HAL 9000 thing with the oven? You know, in addition to all the disgusting sexual innuendo

ABlackwell said...

This ad definitely pushed the envelope of stupidity, creativity, and morality and not in a good way. The ad airing on TV is stupid too, but this version is wrong on so many levels. What were the advertisers thinking? Presenting a sexual relationship between a man and an oven is not only random, but horrible. The "love" for the Toasty Torpedo crossed the line. Last time I checked Quizno's was selling sandwiches, not sexual pleasure from ovens.

TRichter said...

Allow me to be the lone dissenting voice here. Well, not really, the commercial is pretty creepy and gross, when you stop to think about its content. But the actor that played Scott was fantastic. Knowing that I wouldn't eat a Quiznos sandwich anyway, because they suck, I can just laugh at the sheer absurdity of it all. So I enjoyed the commercial, simply for the ridiculous, perfectly earnest performance of the actor. I guess that makes the commercial a failure, since it won't sell me (or many others) a sandwich, but we're all allowed our indulgences, right?

Adam said...

Quiznos is leagues ahead of Subway in more ways than I can list here. However, Quiznos seems to consistently lag when it comes to marketing.

Anonymous said...

I agree, the guy who played Scott was good

Anonymous said...

everyone who writes for this blog and comments in agreement are the reason most clients (and therefore ads) are bad, your posts are like nightmare focus group sessions where people who should have no opinion are paid $50 to pull one out of their ass. Do any of you work in advertising? for the record i love the quiznos spot, and every other funny ad you dissected and ruined line for line. I could break down the "i have a dream" speech line by line and poke holes in it. You need to learn how to se the big picture. But what do i know, I'm just someone who makes funny ads. Or probably unfunny ads, in your opinion.

Quivering P. Landmass said...

Chris, I fucking love your comment. I hope everyone reads it. Because, yes, I did work in advertising once. And you (and people like you) are the reason I headed for the HILLS, my friend. Let me quote one key thing you wrote:

"Your posts are like nightmare focus group sessions where people who should have no opinion are paid $50 to pull one out of their ass"

So you are saying that people selected for the focus groups (i.e. people in the demographic targeted by your commercial) should "have no opinion" on your work. Let me ask you something -- then who SHOULD have an opinion?! If you're writing an ad for Quizno's shoppers, but you think their opinions on your ads are worthless, what does that say about your ability to write a relatable commercial? Or are you just trying to impress other out-of-touch creatives in order to win an award? Certainly focus groups (and the opinions expressed in this blog) should be taken with a grain of salt, but the attitude that you show -- well, it's that combination of arrogance and ignorance that PROVES you're a hack. Your insistence on writing in a vacuum is the reason we are assaulted by shitty ads like this one all the time.

P.S. PLEASE break down MLK's speech. I would love to know how you would rewrite it to make it as hilarious as this Quizno's ad. Whenever I hear "I Have a Dream" I always think, "Hmm, needs more dick joke."

joe c said...

You all shush; that kid is really cute. And his real name is Tim Rock.

Anonymous said...

This ad reminds me of the time I almost got hit by a bus while wanking to "Atlas Shrugged".

Aaron said...

the commercial has a few select lines chopped out or altered for network tv. and btw yes, i too agree that the kevin gatorade g2 commercial is still one of the biggest pieces of shit I've ever seen.

Anonymous said...

...umm, what the hell is up with the random periscope?

http://www.silverfishlongboarding.com/forum/anything-goes-almost/95431-quiznos-toasty-torpedo-commercial.html

Anonymous said...

You people are sick! Acting like you've never been propositioned by a horny appliance before!

You phonies!!!