Is Charmin going to make more bad commercials? Does a bear shit in the woods?
Please, Charmin. I'm begging you to stop doing this.
Bear: "Down... set... YIKES!"
First of all, I wish they would decide whether or not the bears' mouths move when they speak. Second of all... the thing that the bear is worried about here is not something that would ever happen to a human. Because we wear pants. And underwear. If I were bending over in front of you to snap a football and you could see pieces of toilet paper sticking to my ass, there would be a much bigger problem going on than that.
Voiceover: "No one likes a bath tissue that leaves little white pieces behind!"
I mean, I guess. It's not really that big of a deal, is it? Oh, apparently it is. So much so that we needed to devote an entire product to the idea.
Voiceover: "Fortunately, there's Charmin Extra Strong!"
That just sounds... problematic. But give that bear a pom-pom! This is very exciting!
Voiceover: "Only Charmin Extra Strong has FlexWeave, uniquely woven fibers with extra strength!"
Wow, Extra Strong Charmin has extra strength? I'm glad you were willing to clear that up. Seriously, buy a fucking thesaurus.
Voiceover: "Extra strength, so when compared to the ultra rippled brand, it holds up better!"
Hey, say "extra strength" again. I'm not able to parse "extra strong" from adjective form into noun form all by myself. Also, I suppose I get the point of this demonstration, but somehow showing a three-pound weight dragging a piece of wet toilet paper across a table doesn't totally sell me on the paper's real use.
Voiceover: "Fewer pieces left behind, plus all the softness you expect from Charmin!"
Is it? Is it really? Or is it like wiping your ass with a paper towel? Because I actually looked at this stuff at the store recently and it looks exactly like a paper towel. And "extra strong" just sounds kind of unpleasant, really.
Voiceover: "Charmin Extra Strong. Look for it in the red package."
This explains a lot. The reason this ad makes a big deal about something that bears should be most concerned about is that this ad is actually aimed at bears. Why else would they assume that the viewer can't read and would need to remember the color of the package? (And yes, bears can see color.) Maybe Lowe's and Charmin could do some kind of cross-promotion. "How do you like your ass, Bill? 'Rawr?' Rubbed raw by extra strong Charmin? Check."
Seriously, how gross are these commercials? I know that it's hard to advertise a product like this, but couldn't they go the Metamucil route and dance around it? Sure, that sucks, but it sucks less than cartoon pieces of cartoon toilet paper on cartoon bears' asses. I think we can all be thankful that, unlike our animal friends, we don't live in a world where the issues revolving around other people's toilet paper problems are on constant public display.