Friday, June 6, 2008

Southern snoozepitality

This commercial is hardly offensively bad. But wow, does it just go on.

Man: "Population of Lynchburg, 361."

Facts about Lynchburg: 1. Mentions of Jack Daniel's: 0. This will become something of a running theme.

Man: "About 8:00 in the morning Lynchburg kinda comes to life."
Other Man: "You might hear a dog bark every once in a while."
Another Man: "We're pretty normal people, we just live in a slower-paced."

That last guy was speaking so slowly that the ad people just cut off his last word, because they couldn't let the commercial run three more minutes so he'd actually have time to say it.

Guy with Glasses: "We ain't in no hurry around here, it takes a lot of waiting to make good whiskey."

Believe me, it's quite obvious that no one involved with this commercial is in any kind of hurry.

[brief scenes of whiskey actually being made]
Guy: "Everybody knows everybody."
Randy Baxter: "My name is Randy Baxter."
Other Dude: "Randy Baxter? Everybody 'round here knows him as Goose."
Another Dude: "Goose!"
Sammy: "Goose Baxter! You know Big Goose."

I know more about Big Goose at this point than I know about Jack Daniel's. Is this an ad for the Lynchburg Tourism Bureau?

Guy with Glasses: "Sammy's just Sammy."
Sammy: "My grandpa told me, he said, 'Sammy-'"
Another Guy Again: "Sammy, he's a talker."
Sammy: "'I don't want you off the ground any higher than your horse's back, and I don't want you in water deeper than the bathtub.'"

Never mind, this isn't selling me on Lynchburg itself, either. For those of you keeping score, we now know more about Sammy's grandfather's house rules than we do about making Jack Daniel's. Or anything about Jack Daniel's. Do these guys even work for the company? Where did they pull them from?

Some Other Guy: "When you get through talking, you're trying to figure out what he said."

Good thing you gave him like ten full seconds of your ad, then.

[everyone laughs]

I am asleep.

Voiceover: "Lynchburg, Tennessee. Every drop of Jack Daniel's ever made, we've made right here."

"And you wouldn't believe how hard it was to make that whiskey with Sammy there talking your ear off! That Sammy! Ha ha ha! What a character! I remember that time his grandpa told him not to go in water that was too deep so he wouldn't drown. Wakka wakka!"

Come on, Jack Daniel's. I know the brand sells itself at this point, but why bother advertising at all if this is what you're going to do with it? Do you think the primary demographic of 19-year-old college kids gives a shit about Big Goose Baxter? Why even spend the money to air it? Couldn't you just use that to pay for more duckling feed or whatever the shit you're doing down there that has very little to do with whiskey?

1 comment:

Quivering P. Landmass said...

"Do you remember a time when chocolate chip cookies came fresh baked out of the oven? Pepperidge Farm remembers. Do you remember a time when women couldn't vote and certain folks weren't allowed on the golf courses? Pepperidge Farm remembers."